I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
