Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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