Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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