i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
