I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
