Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
