It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
