So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
