why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I looked at my own cervix.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
