Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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