Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
