It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
