Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
