they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
sarcasm needs its own font
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
