Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
