actually, I'm a sock model
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
