After last night, I could never be a politician.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
