i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
