Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
