Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
