Jerry, you need to find god
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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