My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We have so much sex to catch up on
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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