Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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