I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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