I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Im just a social blackout drinker.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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