I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just pee around me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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