I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
