So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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