Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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