She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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