3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
