He uses pillows to masturbate.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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