So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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