I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
