I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
