u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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