Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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