they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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