i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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