im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
