Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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