i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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