After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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