Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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