I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
