So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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