i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Pants are for mortals
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
