there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
