I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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