Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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