tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
