I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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