I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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