highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
