Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
