im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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