Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
