I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she smelled like a LAN party
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
